Or how to follow the No Outburst in the Face of Idiocy rule.
The dearly beloved, firm believers and associated hangers-on were reverently assembled to begin a Teams meeting or, rather, an inquisition.
Amid forced pleasantries, while we captives killed time awaiting latecomers, they appeared. Like viruses. One after the other, after the other: The Swarm. Blackened screens with names, resembling any college lecture, with the students doing their utmost to remain inconspicuous. Except the disembodied names on the screens concealed adults, not camera-shy undergrads. One said Ted’s AI Notetaker. The second said Claire’s AI Notetaker. Then Evan’s. Then Irene’s. And Muhammad’s. Plus Sanjay’s. And Chin’s. Then Dylan’s. Always a Dylan in 2025. We live in accursed times.
All that the Swarm lacked was a soundtrack blaring “Flight of the Valkyries.”
Claire, Ted, Irene, Evan, Muhammad, Sanjay, Chin and Dylan were nowhere to be found. They’re important; that’s why they’re absent. Performing essential tasks elsewhere. But consequential enough for their drones to stand in for them at our meeting, capturing, without prejudice, everything spoken during the proceedings. Every. Solitary. Word. For the archive and for posterity.
One imagines a fantasy world where Claire, Ted, Irene, Evan, Muhammad, Sanjay, Chin and Dylan, now at ease, seated and pensive around the post-meeting campfire, cocktails in hand, in multicultural harmony, huddled around a replay of the dialogue of today’s gathering, captivated by every word. As any reasonable person would do. Every time. Such diligence, and marketing, built this country.
It has come down to this. In an overburdened, hyper-stimulated, perpetually shorthanded and ad-hocritized workaday world, all that is said in meetings is deemed worth recording but not necessarily hearing in person. The first draft of history, minus the drafters, was captured by digital indentured servants. To maintain witnesses and evidence in the unlikely event of something going wrong nine years hence, when complete traceability and avoidance of deniability might be important to organizations with paranoid management structures.
About that inquisition: The recording Valkyries memorialized eight EMS test engineers and programmers (their guys) interrogating two test service test engineers and their manufacturer’s representative (our guys) about the details of flying probe test operations and services. And costs: relentlessly. Three real people, eight interlocutors and eight drones taking digital notes for upper caste people too important to add their number to the black screens.
Curiously, the chief meeting organizer (CMO) and Head Hollywood Square Occupant (HHSO) of this particular get-together had visited our facility two weeks previously, to survey our capabilities. CMO’s company was bidding for a new OEM engagement, with our company slating to perform a supporting role – at the OEM’s insistence – providing flying probe test services. This was virgin territory for this EMS company; CMO was nervous enough to ask the same questions twice: once in person at our facility, then again before colleagues on video two weeks later, recorded for posterity by the Valkyries.
Why was he asking the same questions – reading from the same prepared script – as he did in person? Was he doing so for the benefit of Claire, Ted, Muhammad, Evan, Sanjay, Irene, Chin and Dylan? Was it performance art? Performed for whom? An audience of drones? Or an audience of the drone-masters, seeking accountability? And for what? To fill personnel records?
Not unlike an unplanned visit to the emergency room in which the admitting nurse, the charge nurse, the x-ray technician, intern, resident and attending physician all recite the same questions from the same checklist to the patient, hoping for consistent correct answers, consistent lies or sufficiently consistent ambiguity to establish direction and course of treatment, or not. In sextuplicate.
Today’s video clinical process resembled a star chamber trial in reverse: the party in the dock (us) was found guilty of being undesirable outsiders, and evidence was now accumulating to justify the verdict. This group began from the premise (prejudice?) that no outsourcing was possible, OEM requirements notwithstanding. The agenda was clear: find evidence that party (again: us), by virtue of inconsistent responses, couldn’t be trusted. Outsiders, to their way of thinking, couldn’t be trusted. Outsiders reveal secrets better left hidden. We were outsiders. What was needed was evidence of untrustworthiness. The purpose of this video visit was to build the case to deny their customer its wishes. Because that’s not how they do things. The panel arrayed against us on video this day, accompanied by drones, attested to their goal. Clearly, a striking lesson in belief by one EMS company that the customer isn’t always right. In government this is called the Deep State. They know.
For the CMO and his audience of firm believers, performance was clearly politics. Like they had an audience of one whose title was CEO. One sensed unspoken agendas on the EMS company’s side, none favorable to us. The questions to us were repetitive and tiresome and adversarial. Like a trial, designed to provoke. But we were resolute and didn’t rise to the bait, resisting overt shows of emotion, calmly sticking to technical facts and yes/no answers. The No Outburst in the Face of Idiocy Rule was in force and strictly observed. Don’t give them ammunition beyond their predetermined verdict.
Yet still they came, bending but not breaking our patience. All planned. All deflected.
“Please explain your cost structure.”
“Why do programs cost so much?”
“Do you perform rework on failed boards? What does rework cost?”
“Why do you need a carrier?”
“How do you perform debug?”
“How do you handle ECOs? What is the cost, if any, of implementing ECOs?”
“Will you implement ECOs for free?”
“Why do you have minimum lot charges?”
“How long have you operated flying probe systems? Why do you operate the specific make and model you operate? How does it compare with other makes and models on the market?”
“If you find a repetitive problem – say, a missing or wrong-value capacitor – on an entire lot of 100 boards, do you test the entire lot and charge us for it, or do you stop and contact us early in the process and inform us so that we may decide whether to take corrective action and/or rework steps?”
“Describe your ESD control process. Does it meet or is it certified to ANSI 20.20?”
“What is typical test coverage on a board that is tested using flying probe technology?”
“Can you perform coverage analysis of a board prior to taking on the job? What does it cost? Will you do it for us for free?”
“What are your typical lead times? Can you shorten the lead time? Can you perform expedites at no extra charge?”
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. But don’t give me any instructions to outsource. It’s simply not done by our organization. We live by a higher law.
So, it seemed the fix was in. What is the sound of eyes rolling?
Our response, synopsized:
“Gentlemen (all live bodies on the call were men): In order, the answers to your questions are as follows:
Cost structure is time-based; because our time is worth it; no, you do the rework; free (see previous answer); because you need to hold the board in place and square on the machine in order to test it; carefully; ECOs imply time, which implies money; ECO cost depends upon the ECO; no; because CMMC and tariffs and other impositions need to be paid for (you don’t have minimums?); 22 years; because in our opinion it’s the best series of systems on the market; see previous answer; we stop and contact you; strict ESD control procedures are observed and documented; yes; coverage depends on the board; no; a lot; nice try; five to 10 working days; sure, if you’re willing to pay for the expedite; nope.”
As the journey through Tedium Mountain mercifully concluded, we felt pride at metaphorically keeping our arms and hands inside until the ride came to a complete stop. We felt more pride at swatting away a thinly disguised bid for free engineering. “Free” was an adjective freely employed from the EMS company side in our discussion. The CMO’s company had their own flying probe; it became clear as the interrogation proceeded that they were having trouble running it efficiently for lack of skilled personnel (like all good advocates, we knew this in advance, having done our homework about this customer by means of well-informed and connected industry colleagues). They wished to pick our brains and use the (free) information thus obtained to employ in-house, secure their position, justify their representation of competence to management, and reinforce their case to stay home, in direct contravention to the OEM’s wishes. Again, nice try.
All the proceedings were recorded for the edification of Claire, Ted, Muhammad, Irene, Evan, Sanjay, Dylan and Chin, and their entire C suite. The Swarm worked. The conspiracies of the engineering anthill are in the books forever. Our conscience is clear. We stood our ground. The recordings will clearly show that their bid for free stuff failed. Whether they want to do business with us and pay for it is their decision. Of course, since this is their customer’s wish, it is likely they have no choice. Justice.
And the product to be tested? A military jamming system to render drones useless.
Robert Boguski is president of Datest Corp. (datest.com); This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. His column runs bimonthly.
